Wedding planning comes with so much pressure, protocol and even posturing which we need not buy into. So, I thought it a good time to break down some of the traditions of the ceremony and give you lovely lot some ideas on how to break them nicely or find a way to make the ceremony, as well as the space for it, be more 'you'. So here are some FAQs on the traditions of the marriage or wedding ceremony along with some alternatives to consider.
Who stands where and who arrives first?
Tradition has it that the bride stands on the left and the groom on the right with their family and friends seated on the same side as them (facing the front of the venue i.e what would have been the alter in the times of church only weddings). Their party or attendants would then stand either side of them with the couple situated in the middle.
Tradition had the Groom standing at the front waiting for the Bride to arrive. Arrival was separate as was their night before the wedding, and the Groom would not have seen the Bride before she entered the venue or ceremony space.
Now, you can absolutely mix it up.
You can enter or arrive together, you can arrive with your attendants or you can be standing at the ceremony spot together before your guests arrive. For your guests, you can invite them to stand (if able and if guest numbers are under 70) and gather around you in a circle which has it's own long history and symbolism in wedding ceremony. Semi-circle guest standing arrangements work well too. There are lots of lovely alternative seating arrangements too - spiral, circular, square and long seating all the way along the aisle.
It is quite a trend now to have a first look where the couple see each other before they arrive at the ceremony space to capture a unique and intimate photo opportunity. As for the night before, do what you want to do that will make the day relaxed, memorable and happy for you.
What do we vow?
The legal vows are what are required by law for a marriage to be solemnised in Australia (along with the Monitum, celebrant introduction and use of your full names at least once). The vows need to audible to each other, your celebrant and your witnesses. Gone are statements like 'until death do us part' and 'in sickness and in health'. The modern legal vows are simple and to the point, for example "I ask everyone here to witness that I, (your full name), take you, (your partners full name) to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband or spouse)." Today the language is simple and inclusive. There are some variations available on this which I will talk you through during the planning process.
For those who are shy or hate public speaking and you don't want to say your vows into the microphone, that is fine we have options! We can ask your witnesses to come stand beside you or close to you so they can hear the vows.
You can also add a personal touch to the vow section of the ceremony by incorporating personal vows. These are not legally required but are a lovely way to express your feelings and intentions to your partner. If you do want to do this but don't want everyone to hear there are ways to do it.
Whispered personal vows are where you literally whisper what you want to say to your partner so only they hear.
Letters can be shared and opened during the ceremony, or added to an anniversary box. You can even have them delivered to each other when you are getting ready. If you are doing a first look you might use that moment to exchange your letters!
Asking questions are another way to incorporate personal sentiment and intention without the pressure of speaking in front of a crowd. These are the 'I Do/We Do' type questions which are often included in TV and Movie wedding scenes. These are not legally required but are another way to incorporate personal words without adding pressure to the moment.
Rings?
You don't have to exchange rings for the marriage to be legal. It is optional and purely symbolic. There is a lovely history of the tradition of the ring which I have written about, you can find that here.
There are also lots of alternatives if you do want to exchange a symbol of commitment that isn't a ring. I have written about this exact topic with overviews on watches, portraits and even tattoos. You can find that blog here
When do we kiss?
Traditionally the couple would kiss after they have exchanged vows. But, actually, you can kiss whenever you like! When you arrive, during the ceremony if you are feeling the feels or not at all. The kiss is just a symbol of your commitment. Traditionally, it was thought to be the act of combining the two souls! I will ask you if you would like to be prompted after the vows so I know what to include in my script. It is what you are comfortable with and I will ensure the ceremony is just that.
Who will bear witness? And what if someone objects?
Modern marriage ceremonies can be witnessed by anyone over the age of 18, who can read and understand English (or has an interpreter) that is willing to sign the legal marriage ceremony documentation. So it can by your Aunt Mary, your sister, cousin or bestie - it can even be someone you have never met before the day. We can even do witness bingo if you just can't choose who to sign the paper with you on the day.
And as for objection, we don't include that kind of antiquated language or invitation for voicing concern in modern marriage ceremonies. As a celebrant it is my legal obligation to confirm implied consent from you both.
This is done by:
Confirming you are both aged 18 or over (yes there are allowances for those under the age of 18 but let's not complicate this blog), which I do when I check your photo identification and confirm your place and date of birth during the NOIM process
That you both willingly, and freely, present yourselves to be married on the day. I will meet each of your before the ceremony to have you sign the Declaration of No Impediment which is a legal statement that you are free to marry and entering into marriage freely (i.e you aren't still married to someone else, you aren't being forced or bribed).
I also ask you questions together and privately to confirm you are happy to go ahead on the day. Plus, there are parts of the ceremony that will reaffirm this too.
So there you have it. Some of the common questions about wedding and marriage tradition that you can either adjust, continue, adapt or change completely. As long as we have the legal paperwork in order, the legal words required by law for a marriage are included you can arrange, structure and plan your ceremony to be just what you want it to be.
